Woodland Critter Christmas
Like many classic Christmas specials, a cheerful voice narrates this -- and propels Stan through the twisted Christmas adventure, whether he likes it or not.
The story begins when Stan (aka "the boy in the red poof-ball hat") encounters a group of innocent-looking, talking forest animals called the Woodland Critters. After he makes a star for their Christmas tree, they convince him to build a manger for Porcupiney the Porcupine who is pregnant with their Savior.
Stan is also asked to help them with another problem. Every year, one of the Critters conceives and carries their Savior, only to have a mountain lion kill the mother before she gives birth. Touched by their story, Stan hikes into the mountains and manages to slay the mountain lion by tricking it into leaping off a cliff.
But things aren't as they seem. The "bloodthirsty" lion has three small, talking cubs. Even worse, when Stan informs the Woodland Critters that he succeeded, they celebrate by holding a "blood orgy" in honor of their master -- Satan.
It turns out that the Critters' Savior is really the Antichrist, whose birth the now-deceased mountain lion can no longer prevent. Stan, remembering the cubs, tries to enlist their help. When they inform him that they have no idea how to kill babies, Stan takes them to an abortion clinic for pointers.
Meanwhile, the Woodland Critters secure a human host for the Antichrist -- Kyle, who as a non-baptized non-Christian, fits the bill perfectly. Stan and the cubs return to find that the Woodland Critters' Savior is already born, and that Kyle is being readied to receive him. Santa Claus shows up just in time and slaughters the Critters with a shotgun. Suddenly overcome with the thirst for power, Kyle declares that he wants the Antichrist to possess him, so he can make the world a better place for the Jews. The Antichrist takes over Kyle's body and The action cuts to Mr. Garrison's fourth-grade class, where we learn the whole thing is a story Cartman made up for his "Write Your Own Christmas Story Day" assignment, which he's now reading aloud. Kyle objects, saying it's just another excuse to rag on him for being Jewish at Christmastime. Fearing another angry phone call from Kyle's mother, Mr. Garrison orders Cartman to stop.
But the other kids want to know the ending -- they complain until Kyle gives in and lets the reading continue.
Back in the story, Kyle suddenly realizes the Antichrist is too much evil to take on and wants no more of it. So Stan has the three lion cubs, now well-versed in pregnancy termination, extract the squirming Prince of Darkness from his ass. Santa finishes off the Beast with a sledgehammer.
As a special Christmas present to Stan, Santa resurrects the lion cubs' mother. And everyone lives happily ever after Except for Kyle, who dies of AIDS two weeks later.
What I Learned Today
"This whole time your stupid story was just a way to rip on me for being Jewish at Christmas again!"
- "Death and pain await all living things!" Mousey
- "Now our Critter Christmas can finally happen! Hail Satan!" Squirrely
- "It's Critter Christmas, dude. It sucks ass." Stan
- "Yay, blood orgy! Blood orgy, yay!" Woodland Critters
- "People stood in long lines, sometimes waiting for hours or more, because Christmas needs to be bought in a store " (Narrator)
- "Hi Stannie!!" Woodland Critters
- "Well, think about it. You really think God would have sex with a porcupine?" Deerie
- "Yea! Sacrifice me to the devil!!" Rabbitie
- "But gee wiz, Stan, if you tried to stop us, we'd have to use our evil Satanic powers on you." Bearie
- "Well you're in luck! I'm happy to inform. Its only three days until Christmas, so I have lots of abortions to perform!" Abortion Doctor
- "Well, good going, Stupid!" Santa
- "I don't believe anybody interrupted you when you read your Christmas story aloud, Kyle." Cartman
- "Now cubs, do like they showed you! Hurry up fast! Get the Antichrist out of my friend Kyle's ass!" Stan
The Woodland Critters. These adorable little forest creatures worship the Antichrist and aim to bring an end to the world as we know it. There's Squirrelie the Squirrel, Rabbitie the Rabit, Beaverie the Beaver, Bearie the Bear, Racoonie the Racoon, Porcupinie the Porcupine, Skunkie the Skunk, Foxie the Fox, Deerie the Deer, Woodpeckerie the Woodpecker, Mousie the Mouse, and Chickadee-ee the Chickadee. Also, we meet the mountain lion and her three lion cubs (who aren't named in the episode but are in the script: Tanner, Flick, and Jess).
The saintly mountain lion mother, plus all of the Woodland Critters. One Critter was sacrificed to Satan via a cannibal-infused bloody orgy, while the others were blown apart by a shotgun-wielding Santa Claus. Technically, however, the whole thing was just a story Cartman wrote, so no one really died.
The Critters sing their own cheery Christmas carol while decorating the tree, "Woodland Critter Christmas." There's also the signature John Denver-esque song "Christmas Time Is Once A Year," which is reprised by a full female choir for the end credits.
Behind The Scenes
Where Did The Idea Come From
This is the episode that almost didn't happen. Normally the staff begins working on each new show on Thursday, working until it airs the following Wednesday. In this case, no one could come up with an idea. Finally, on Saturday morning, Trey decided they would do some sort of "Critter Christmas" parody loosely based on 1979's John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together TV special. It seemed like pretty thin gruel, but that afternoon it started to click -- especially when they had the Critters worship Satan and participate in a blood orgy.
Pop Culture References
The blood orgy action -- and much of the episode's over-the-top violence -- was inspired by similar gore-intensive scenes in the 1997 film Event Horizon. Also, the mountain lion's death scene is very similar to Mufasa's fall from a cliff in The Lion King. Stan tries to ignore the Narrator's insistence that he find a way to stop the Woodland Critters by sitting on his couch and watching the classic TV show The Jeffersons.
The Narrator of our Woodland Critter Christmas story sounds quite similar to the voiceovers heard in many Dr. Suess TV specials -- most notably, How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Also, the craggily death mountain where the mountain lion lives is reminiscent of the Grinch's cave, as well as that of the Abominable Snowman from the classic 1964 TV special Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
This story obviously parodies the Biblical tale of the birth of Jesus -- Porcupinie's immaculate conception; the hand-built manger; preparing for the birth of their Savior. There are also 12 Woodland Critters, as there are 12 Apostles. And when Stan is guiding the three mountain lion cubs toward the Antichrist Star glowing bright in the sky, this is a nod to the journey made by the Three Wise Men. During Stan's joyous Christmas celebration at the end of the episode, his whole family is shown together -- including Grandpa and his dog, Sparky. Even Shelly looks happy.
- e1 Good Times With Weapons
- e2 AWESOM-O
- e3 Up the Down Steroid
- e4 The Passion of the Jew
- e5 You Got F'd in the A
- e6 Goobacks
- e7 The Jeffersons
- e8 Douche and Turd
- e9 Something Wall Mart This Way Comes
- e10 Pre-School
- e11 Quest for Ratings
- e12 Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset
- e13 Cartman's Incredible Gift
- e14 Woodland Critter Christmas